Note: This post is an example of satirical fake news.
In a speech at the White House Rose Garden, President Trump announced an executive order which will limit the number of punchlines per minute by late-nite comedians. Holding up a pen, he said, “Barak Obama once said he could get things done with a pen and a phone. Well, he left a few of his pens behind, and let me tell you, they work very well.”
In a speech at the White House Rose Garden, President Trump announced an executive order which will limit the number of punchlines per minute by late-nite comedians. Holding up a pen, he said, “Barak Obama once said he could get things done with a pen and a phone. Well, he left a few of his pens behind, and let me tell you, they work very well.”
President Trump explained his rationale for his
new executive order. “The late-nite comedians are a disgrace. They’ve
weaponized sarcasm, irony, and mockery, and other tricks of their disgusting
trade. Night after night, they destroy the lives of Americans. The carnage has
increased over the past few decades, and especially since the beginning of my
term in office. These people are indiscriminate. They target innocent men,
women, and children with no regard for common decency whatsoever.
“More punchlines per minute are not good for
the average American anyways. Sometimes it takes a few seconds to digest and
comprehend a punchline. And, by the way, a lot of their punchlines are not even
funny no matter how long you think about them. They’re really just fake jokes
and it’s a disgrace.
“In the future, late-nite comedians will be
limited to six punchlines per minute during their monologues. Any more than
that is overkill. Also, there will be no more than fifty punchlines per show.
Why fifty? It’s a good round number and it’s also a very American number, since
there are fifty states.”
One reporter asked, “Mr. President, won’t this
be a chilling limitation on free speech which is protected under the First
Amendment?”
President Trump replied, “Folks, I think our
little reporter is trying to be funny. Are you trying to be funny? It’s not
working, so shut your pie-hole. You know, General Maddog Mattis doesn’t always
attend events like this, but I invited him here today in case something like
this came up. General, can you have one of your people show this reporter to
the door, or better yet, all the way out to the gate. Make that the back gate
so the tourists won’t see any tripping, stumbling, or falling that may or may not
take place along the way.”
The President concluded by saying, “Let this be
a message to all of our little friends in the media who want to try to be funny
at my expense or at the expense of any member of my family or my administration.
If you want to be a wiseguy in the White House, fuggedaboutit, because you probably
won’t like what happens next. Calm before the storm, folks. Calm before the
storm.”
Related articles
No comments:
Post a Comment