Sunday, October 8, 2017

President Trump Signs Executive Order To Reduce Verbal Violence By Late-nite Comedians

In a speech at the White House Rose Garden, President Trump announced an executive order which will limit the number of punchlines per minute by late-nite comedians. Holding up a pen, he said, “Barak Obama once said he could get things done with a pen and a phone. Well, he left a few of his pens behind, and let me tell you, they work very well.”
President Trump explained his rationale for his new executive order. “The late-nite comedians are a disgrace. They’ve weaponized sarcasm, irony, and mockery, and other tricks of their disgusting trade. Night after night, they destroy the lives of Americans. The carnage has increased over the past few decades, and especially since the beginning of my term in office. These people are indiscriminate. They target innocent men, women, and children with no regard for common decency whatsoever.
“Everyone has heard the old line about sticks and stones, but the truth is that words can be absolutely lethal. The verbal violence must stop, and this executive order is the first step in that direction. These comedians are very good at what they do and they are able to deliver punchlines much faster than other Americans. Frankly, they spew out more punchlines than any American really needs. Just because they have the ability to deliver punchlines like verbal machine guns does not mean that they should.

“More punchlines per minute are not good for the average American anyways. Sometimes it takes a few seconds to digest and comprehend a punchline. And, by the way, a lot of their punchlines are not even funny no matter how long you think about them. They’re really just fake jokes and it’s a disgrace.
“In the future, late-nite comedians will be limited to six punchlines per minute during their monologues. Any more than that is overkill. Also, there will be no more than fifty punchlines per show. Why fifty? It’s a good round number and it’s also a very American number, since there are fifty states.”
One reporter asked, “Mr. President, won’t this be a chilling limitation on free speech which is protected under the First Amendment?”
President Trump replied, “Folks, I think our little reporter is trying to be funny. Are you trying to be funny? It’s not working, so shut your pie-hole. You know, General Maddog Mattis doesn’t always attend events like this, but I invited him here today in case something like this came up. General, can you have one of your people show this reporter to the door, or better yet, all the way out to the gate. Make that the back gate so the tourists won’t see any tripping, stumbling, or falling that may or may not take place along the way.”
The President concluded by saying, “Let this be a message to all of our little friends in the media who want to try to be funny at my expense or at the expense of any member of my family or my administration. If you want to be a wiseguy in the White House, fuggedaboutit, because you probably won’t like what happens next. Calm before the storm, folks. Calm before the storm.”

Note: This is an example of satirical fake news. 
Since the mass shooting in Las Vegas, gun control advocates have been seeking commitments from Congress to legislate changes, beginning with a ban on bump stocks (devices that modify semiautomatic weapons so that they shoot like machine guns). 
This seems to be making sense to lots of people, including me. Even advocates of the Second Amendment agree. In this piece, I've written about how I think things might go if President Trump ever tried a similar approach to limit the number of jokes late-nite comedians can tell.

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